Doubly Blessed

Twins are extremely unique.  Even with the advances in fertility treatments, having twins is pretty rare.  In fact, only 1 in about 30 births is twins.  Even more rare are identical twins, which occurs roughly 1 in every 285 births.  So it should have come as no surprise to me that every time I stepped outside the house with my two baby girls, we were going to be on display for the world to see and marvel.  I was ready to show off my girls (how can a dad not be proud for helping conceive TWO beautiful baby girls?), but I did not realize how often we would cause traffic jams in the middle of Meijer parking lots or lane blockages in the aisles of Kohl's.

Nonetheless, I have adjusted pretty well to all the additional attention (I realize that attention is not for me, but I can dream, right?).  Anytime I'm out in public, I proudly hold my head high and smile, showing the world how happy I am to be the dad to these two beautiful baby girls.

Sleeping like....well, they're sleeping like babies ;)

Even before we had our twins, though, we started to get funny, odd, and interesting questions and comments from everybody and their grandmother.  It seemed one moment people would comment and say to my wife, "You're having twins? You're huge!  Are you sure there aren't three in there?"  Then a minute later we would meet somebody new and they would say, "Twins? But you're so small!"  I guess size, like beauty, is all in the eye of the beholder.

Well those comments and questions got me thinking.  What other common things did we tend to hear a lot of?  Certainly by answering them so often we became quite rehearsed and polished in our delivery.  The following ten questions/comments were asked on numerous occasions and never ceased to amaze us.  Some were funny, some were ridiculous, and others were genuinely intriguing.  So if you've been wondering the same thing, here goes!

1.  You're having twins? Whose family does it run in?

Of all the questions we've received, this might be the most common.  Before we found out we were having twins, this was a question I would have asked people with twins.  Now I know better.

Often when people are asking if twins run in the family, what most are really trying to get at is, "Did you do fertility treatments?"  Sadly, this was something I did not want people to think (I say sadly because there is a stigma with fertility treatments, which is incredibly unfortunate.  Many families struggle through some very real and painful issues with trying to conceive and have children, and it is unfortunate that receiving medical help to have a family is seen as lesser than being able to conceive on your own, but I digress).  Still, the question is asked and does have some merit to it.

Fraternal twins can run in families.  If you are expecting twins in your family, it would have to come from the mother's side because what is actually happening that allows for fraternal twins is that she is releasing multiple eggs each cycle.  Since the father does not release eggs (shocking, I know!), it is impossible for the cause of your twins to run through the father's side.  

However, if there is a history of twins on the father's side, his daughters would have a much higher chance of having twins on down the road as they can release multiple eggs.

For us, though, all these points are moot, as we have identical twins.  In the scientific world, they might say identical twins are a fluke of nature.  We rather like to think of our girls as a true miracle.  We have no previous twins in either of our families, so having twins truly comes from God.  And when people have asked this question, my response is, "They do now!"

2.  You're having identical?  Is it one of each?

As ridiculous as this question may sound, we have heard it on many occasions.  I'm guessing that some middle school health or biology teacher somewhere in the world failed to do  his or her job because there really is some confusion on what "identical" means.  

Identical twins come from the same egg and split after fertilization.  Before they were two, they were a single-celled zygote.  At that point, they were either male of female.  Then at some point, the egg split and created two identical copies of each other.  You could not create a boy and a girl, as they would not be identical.

A lot of the confusion, I think, comes when fraternal twins look a lot alike.  But this should make sense.  What are fraternal twins but siblings who happened to be born at the same time?  Many siblings, especially if they are close in age, look incredibly alike.  How much more would siblings born within minutes of each other look alike?

Probably the funniest but also most frustrating instance of trying to explain the whole identical thing to people was with a good friend at church.  He was asking us about having twins, if they were identical, if they were a boy and a girl, and from that point we had to go through the explanation of what identical means.  I tried to explain that "identical" meant "identical parts."  He tried to argue with us and say that's not what identical meant (seriously, he tried to tell two people who had been going to a high risk specialist doctor every single week, but he must have been the expert because he heard one time way back when that identical twins.....), then he was convinced that "they" must have changed the definition of "identical" (not quite sure who "they" would be).  At that point we just had to hide our shocked faces and laugh it off.  I'm sure this won't be the last time I'll have to teach somebody the meaning of "identical."

3.  So when is your wife going back to work?

This is a legitimate question.  According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, most women who have children continue to work.  In 2013 the workforce participation rate of mothers of children less than a year old was 57.3%, mothers of children under six years old was 63.9%, and mothers of children six to seventeen was 74.7%.  In addition, most families with dual incomes live to the extent of both of those incomes.  Finally, my job as a teacher is not the most lucrative in the world, therefore the thought of us living on just my salary is surprising to most people.  So when people assume that my wife would go back to work, it makes sense.

However, she is not going back to work, at least not if we can help it.  First off, the cost to send two children to daycare is astronomical (we'd be paying between $16,000-17,000 annually).  If we were to do that, almost half of Julianne's take home pay would be eaten up in childcare costs.  More importantly though, we feel that our family is being called to live simply and have Julianne stay home raising and teaching our girls.

Nevertheless, it saddens, me, when people look down at the stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) because they believe that her choice is not as noble or important as that of one working outside the home.  I truly believe that God has called some women to be working professionals outside of the home and others to stay at home to raise their children, and each calling is of equal value and worth.  

A SAHM is a whale of a job in and of itself (much respect is due my wife for all she does; she's amazing!).  My wife comes from a very unique perspective in that she is an extremely driven working professional who spent six years in the classroom.  Now through her choice and calling from God, she is changing professions to stay home for a few years raising our children.

Being a SAHM is 24/7. You can't take off the mom hat.  When our girls need to eat, mom is there.  When they need to be changed (and dad isn't around ;) mom is there.  Her job is to be a mom.  She will eventually teach them how to roll over, to crawl, to walk, to talk, to read, and to write.  When it comes to their colors, animals, numbers, letters, and shapes, mom is the one who has put in countless hours day in and day out.  When they take their first fall, mom will be there to comfort them and make everything okay.  When they have their first confrontation with kids on the playground or in playgroup, mom will be there to teach them how to treat others.  Most importantly, mom is there to teach them about God and Jesus, and how deeply and intimately they are loved.

This is not to say that mothers and fathers who work don't do these things, but when you are a SAHM, this is your main job.  I think that we need to remember and value the importance of what stay-at-home-moms are doing every single day.

4.  Are you getting much sleep?

If you were to ask me a year ago how I thought my sleep was going to be with having a child, let alone twins, I would have said that I was dreading all the lost hours.  I am the type that NEEDS at least 8 hours of uninterrupted, peaceful, glorious sleep.  I knew that babies ruthlessly stole precious hours, minutes, seconds of your night, and that was what I feared the most, especially since I'm not a coffee drinker and didn't intend to become one.

Actually, sleep has been great.  I don't get a full 8 hours most nights, and they definitely are not uninterrupted, but I am functioning just as well now than as I did before children.  I truly believe that God takes the precious time I do sleep and graciously multiplies it and fills up my cup daily.

In truth, the main reason why sleep has been more than bearable is my amazing wife.  Since we exclusively breast feed our girls, I am pretty useless when it comes to feeding.  In the middle of the night, I will get up to change their diapers once, and she will do all the feeding.  I will occasionally have to rock and soothe one baby while the other one is feeding (#twinproblems), but that pales in comparison to all that my beautiful, loving, compassionate, selfless bride does each night.  I can truly say that she is the one carrying this family through our sleepless nights, and for that I am extremely and humbly grateful. 

5.  What's it like having twins?

This is probably the toughest question I get (I know what you're thinking, how could that be so tough, just tell them what you do day in and day out).  The problem is that I don't know any different.  The context of the question is huge, as when I answer it to a person with one child will probably be different to the person who has ten kids to the person who has none.  Either way, this is what I know.  I'd probably be much better at answering it later after we have more (and assuming that God gives us one at a time here on out) knowing the difference between having one versus two at a time.  

Overall, having twins is awesome.  Probably so far my favorite part is that you don't have to share (except at family gatherings; grandparents can be soooooooo demanding of holding babies).  When I just really want to cuddle with one of my girls, I get one and Julianne gets the other.  Then after a while we switch.  I never have to worry about fighting for time with my girls.  The biggest thing I need to worry about is which one have I held the most that day.

6.  How do you tell them apart?

There is definitely a learning curve to learning the in's and out's of your babies.  At first we kept Reese's hospital bracelet on.  Then we painted her toe to make sure we always had a safety backup (we didn't want what happened to Uncle Jesse to happen to us).

Early on I would come home from work and go straight to the girls and guess who was who.  About half the time I got it right, the other half wrong.  Over time, though, we have picked up on little intricacies with each girl, so I don't think I would mix them up now (but don't hold me to that).

Reese: She is about half a pound heavier, so that is my first indication.  Because of this, she looks a little bit fuller in the face and belly (though, you'd really have to know them intimately and be keenly attuned to them to pick up on this).  
She also has just a little bit longer hair up top.  Recently she has been playing with her hands a lot, so that can also be a major help to figure them out.

Sienna: Other than being smaller, Sienna also likes to mimic and talk to us a lot.  She has a lot of fun trying to recreate the shape of our lips as we talk and call back on sounds.  In addition, when she's irritated or simply curious, she likes to arch her back and throw her head backwards.

Finally, to make things much easier on ourselves, we typically dress Sienna in warmer colors (pink, red, orange, yellow) and Reese in cooler colors (purple, blue, green).  This helps a lot if you need to quickly grab a certain baby and don't have time to weigh, see who will play with their hands, or measure the millimeter difference in their hair.

7.  Oh man, "double trouble!"

What, am I raising convicts and now have to deal with double the court fees and double the prison visits?

Sure raising twins has some clear difficulties.  I have to change twice as many diapers (you may think I'm weird, but this is actually one of my favorite ways to interact with my girls; mommy gets to feed, I get to change!).  And when both babies are fussy and you're all alone, this can present some very, very challenging obstacles (see previous post).  But in reality my girls are not a trouble at all.  They are truly blessings from God.  More about this later on.

8.  Did you freak out when you learned you were having twins?

I don't know what it is about guys that says, "He can't handle having a baby."  The media makes dad's look like bumbling buffoons who are incompetent when it comes to raising children.  This couldn't be further from the truth, as I am well acquainted with many, many dad's who are extremely successful, loving fathers.

Add on the fact that a dad is having twins, and people automatically assume that he is crunching numbers in his head and freaking out about how he's going to pay for it (thousands of diapers, trade in that sports car for the minivan, upgrade to a bigger house).  This may be true for some guys, but when I found out, I couldn't be happier.  In fact it was a double answer (in more ways than one) to our prayers.

We had been trying to conceive for more than a year.  That process can be extremely painful and difficult to go through, and our experience honestly wasn't even that long.  We had been praying for children for a long time, and God seemed to be saying "not yet" to that request.  Yet we continued to pray and trust in his timing.  In fact, we were so bold in our prayers to ask for twins.  

Now I understand many may think, "Who in the world seriously prays for something like that?"  Or maybe you're thinking, "Gosh that's selfish; wouldn't one be an answer to your prayers?"  Yet we knew that we have a BIG God who can do BIG things.  We each individually had desired twins and loved the thought of having our own.  And knowing that twins didn't "run in our families," it was only by God's provision that this was going to be possible.  Praying for it just seemed natural.

So early on we found out we were pregnant.  We were extremely elated.  We broke down crying seeing how amazing God was to answer our prayer for a child.  A week later we went in for an ultrasound, still waiting for an answer to our second prayer.  When the ultrasound tech said, "Oh wait, look what we have here," neither of us were shocked.  If God hadn't answered that prayer, he would have been just as good and righteous.  But we certainly weren't going to doubt that he could or would say yes to our prayers, especially when He tells us that He loves to give us good gifts.

9.  Are they on the same schedule?

Have you ever heard of the old adage, "Never wake a sleeping baby"?  When you have twins, you throw that out the window.

So many times we will find that one baby wakes up and is hungry.  We feed, and then 10, 20, 30, 45 minutes later the other baby wakes up.  If babies don't stay on the same schedule, they can truly wreak havoc on sleep all around.  Parents of twins have to do anything they can to make sure their babies stay on the same schedule.  

For us, that means when one baby wakes up to eat, we wake the other up to eat so they stay together.  As bad as you feel about taking one out of their deep sleep, you feel way worse when you finish with one, fall asleep and then a few minutes later the other one wakes up.  Once you finish with that one, you put them down, fall asleep yourself, and then the other one wakes up and you're back at square one again, though with less energy.  Keeping babies on the same schedule is paramount in raising twins.

10.  Two for the price of one! So you're done now, right?

This comment/question is a double whammy.  First, twins is definitely not a two for one price tag.  Due to twins being high risk, you have to go get ultrasounds monthly for the first four months or so, then every other week for the second half. You also have to see you're primary OBGYN the same amount of times.  Add in that all twins are born in the operating room and most of those are C-Section (which means we had about 12-15 people in the room during their births), plus a longer hospital stay, plus the risk of going to the NICU, twins are WAY more expensive.  My rough estimate for our total expenses from conception through birth is $70,000-80,000 (praise God for good health insurance!).  

So many people have said to my wife, "You are so lucky, you got two babies out of the way with only one pregnancy!"  Let me tell you, her pregnancy and delivery was nothing like that of most single births.  She gave birth via planned C-Section at 37 weeks.  The doctors say she was measuring around 44-45 weeks by the size of her belly, almost 2 whole months further along than she actually was (see the video below of her belly growth)

The last three days before delivery she could barely walk because the girls were pushing so much on her spine that it was pinching a nerve that shot pain up and down her leg and into her back.  Carrying twins is NOT two for the price of one.

Now for the second part.  Our culture has so ingrained into themselves that once you have two kids, you're done.  I come from a family where my parents only had two children.  This was extremely normal and worked well for us.  However, when I tell people that I want somewhere around 5-6 kids, I get strange expressions from people wondering why in the world I would want to have so many (in the grand scheme of things, six kids has been pretty normal for many families throughout history).

Children are a blessing.  Many may question how in the world I'll be able to afford that many kids on a teacher's salary while my wife stays home.  Maybe I won't be able to afford it.  Maybe we'll have to cut back on our numbers (before, not after ;).  Maybe my wife will have to go back to work.  What I do know, though, is that I am going to live simply enough that my kids know that they are the blessing to Julianne and me, not the things we possess.  When my body fails and they bury me in the ground, I want people to say, "He was blessed by the family he shared," not by the things he had.

Of all the funny/crazy/interesting things I have heard from people about having twins, the following has to be my all-time favorite.  I am truly doubly blessed!

p.s.  Thanks to all the friends and family who helped make videos for this post!